The only thing that smells like bacon is BACON!

I am now of the belief that human civilization has, at least, reached its zenith. We, as scientists and rational creatures, base our achievements in science as the true judgement of a civilization. I am happy to say that all great previous scientific achievements- Newton's Principia Mathematica, Darwin's theory of evolution, Mendel's genetics, Rutherford's discovery of the atomic nucleus, Einstein's relativity- have culminated into this, the single most important discovery of our time.

Scientists have discovered the Bacon Sandwich Equation.








Fig. 1. The overall Bacon Equation. The ideal rational steps involved from pig to bacon have eluded scientists for centuries.

For many, the perfect bacon has been an elusive target. The ideal combination of crispness, crunchiness, greasiness and taste has boggled the greatest minds of science for centuries. Newton is famously quoted as saying "baconnes non fingo", or I feign no bacon in Latin. But at last, the celestial secrets to the perfect bacon have been divulged to us by researchers at Leeds, whose tireless efforts, and bacon eating, have enhanced civilization with a Bacon Sandwich Equation (Fig. 2) that brings about a new development in the Grand Unified Bacon Theory (GUBT), whereupon all bacon theory is molded into one idea of the Perfect Bacon:

N = C + [f_b(c_m) · f_b(t_c)] + f_b(T_s) + f_c · t_a
Fig. 2. The Bacon Sandwich Equation. N is the force in newtons; f_b is the bacon type function (similar to a wavefunction, but baconnier); f_c is the condiment function; T_s is the serving temperature; t_c is cooking time; t_a is the time taken to insert the condiment or filling (in the Time-Dependent Bacon Sandwich Equation); c_m is the cooking method and C represents the breaking strain in newtons of uncooked bacon.

Their findings show that the force required to eat a bacon sandwich (measured in Newtons) and the overall crispness (measured in decibels) contribute greatly to the perfect bacon. The Golden Bacon Constants were shown to be 0.4 Newtons of force to crunch and 0.5 decibles of crispy noise. Their findings also show that the perfect bacon sandwich, or bacon butty in England, is crisply grilled bacon with not a lot of fat on it in between thick slices of white bread. Also crucial are the condiments used and the freshness of the uncooked bacon. Huzzah!

Truly an historic accomplishment such as this has not been seen in a hundred years, since Einstein's groundbreaking 1905 papers. At the very least, this team's efforts is well-deserving of an Ig Nobel prize.