The only thing that smells like bacon is BACON!

I am now of the belief that human civilization has, at least, reached its zenith. We, as scientists and rational creatures, base our achievements in science as the true judgement of a civilization. I am happy to say that all great previous scientific achievements- Newton's Principia Mathematica, Darwin's theory of evolution, Mendel's genetics, Rutherford's discovery of the atomic nucleus, Einstein's relativity- have culminated into this, the single most important discovery of our time.

Scientists have discovered the Bacon Sandwich Equation.

Fig. 1. The overall Bacon Equation. The ideal rational steps involved from pig to bacon have eluded scientists for centuries.

For many, the perfect bacon has been an elusive target. The ideal combination of crispness, crunchiness, greasiness and taste has boggled the greatest minds of science for centuries. Newton is famously quoted as saying "baconnes non fingo", or I feign no bacon in Latin. But at last, the celestial secrets to the perfect bacon have been divulged to us by researchers at Leeds, whose tireless efforts, and bacon eating, have enhanced civilization with a Bacon Sandwich Equation (Fig. 2) that brings about a new development in the Grand Unified Bacon Theory (GUBT), whereupon all bacon theory is molded into one idea of the Perfect Bacon:

N = C + [fb(cm) · fb(tc)] + fb(Ts) + fc · ta
Fig. 2. The Bacon Sandwich Equation. N is the force in newtons; fb is the bacon type function (similar to a wavefunction, but baconnier); fc is the condiment function; Ts is the serving temperature; tc is cooking time; ta is the time taken to insert the condiment or filling (in the Time-Dependent Bacon Sandwich Equation); cm is the cooking method and C represents the breaking strain in newtons of uncooked bacon.

Their findings show that the force required to eat a bacon sandwich (measured in Newtons) and the overall crispness (measured in decibels) contribute greatly to the perfect bacon. The Golden Bacon Constants were shown to be 0.4 Newtons of force to crunch and 0.5 decibles of crispy noise. Their findings also show that the perfect bacon sandwich, or bacon butty in England, is crisply grilled bacon with not a lot of fat on it in between thick slices of white bread. Also crucial are the condiments used and the freshness of the uncooked bacon. Huzzah!

Truly an historic accomplishment such as this has not been seen in a hundred years, since Einstein's groundbreaking 1905 papers. At the very least, this team's efforts is well-deserving of an Ig Nobel prize.


Chemgeek said...

Well, there we go folks. That's everything we needed. We will be suspending all scientific research effective immediately.

milkshake said...

as I am reading about this new bacon paradigm shift, I happen to be biting into a bagel bacon-egg and cheeze sandwich from McDonald - and I have to admit that the bacon is the only taste island in the overal sloppiness of this fare

Rob W. said...

Excellent. Clearly deserving of an Ig Nobel.

Hap said...

Ick - breakfast at McD's is the least appetizing of the meals they serve there. The McD's breakfast bagels are good for attaining the US RDA of grease, but not much else. If I am going to die early because of fatty food I ate, the least I should ask of it is that it taste good. The hotcakes are a better bet - they can't screw up sugar.

As a bonus, the %@!* idiots at the local 24h McD's refuse to serve lunch food after midnight, because there is apparently an overwhelming demand for substandard breakfast fare that Waffle House hasn't already filled.

Ashutosh said...

What was the sample size? Insufficient!

And what a boring equation! No cube roots, logarithms, triple integrals, Bessel functions, inverse powers or other exponents? I find it funny that everything is linearly proportional. Also, I don't know if the equation included a factor related to the relative positioning of components in the sandwich.

But IgNobel stuff it is.

Excimer said...

Depending on your tastes, the sample size for such a bacon study will ALWAYS be insufficient.

Anyway, who's up for using "bacon" as an adjective? Anyone? For example, "It's not just good, it's like bacon good." mmm bacon.

Reluctant Chemist said...

Dude, it's 9:25pm here, and I'm hungry again! You suck!


David Bradley said...

Your scheme (pig to bacon in the pan) claims several reaction steps. Well, where I come from, those several steps are reduced to chopping off the trotters, wiping it's behind, and sticking it in the pan. Same goes for beef, but with the additional step of an initial horn removal.

sushi said...
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